Between Moon and Water

Between Moon and Water | Personal Reflections

The older I get, the more I find myself questioning things we’ve been taught to believe about marriage, relationships, and what it means to be a woman.

At 40 years old, I’ve lived enough life to have some opinions. That doesn’t mean I know everything. Quite the opposite. There are still things I’m learning about myself as a grown woman, and I hope I never stop learning.

Before I get into this, let me say something: This is not a married-women-versus-single-women conversation. I’m not here to shame anybody’s choices. I’m simply sharing my perspective, based on what I’ve experienced, witnessed, and learned.

And if you don’t agree, that’s perfectly fine. We don’t all have to think alike.

Marriage Doesn’t Make You Better, and Divorce Doesn’t Make You Less

I was in a relationship for twelve years and married for ten of those years. Ultimately, that marriage ended because there were areas where we weren’t compatible.

I don’t look at that chapter of my life as something that makes me less deserving of love or another marriage. I look at it as something that taught me about myself, relationships, and the importance of compatibility.

But here’s something I’ve noticed.

Some married women carry themselves as though marriage puts them on a different level from women who are single or divorced. Not all married women, of course. But I’ve encountered that attitude, and I think it’s worth discussing.

A wedding ring is not a certificate of superiority. And a divorce decree is not proof that somebody failed at life.

Some people are married and genuinely happy. Some are married and miserable. Some people are single because they haven’t found the right person. Others are single because they genuinely enjoy their independence.

And some of us have experienced marriage, learned from it, and still desire to experience it again.

I’m one of those women.

I want to be married. I believe I have a lot to offer as a wife. But wanting marriage doesn’t mean I’m willing to accept just any marriage.

There’s a difference.

Let’s Stop Romanticizing What We Don’t Fully Understand

I hear people talk about how our grandmothers and mothers stayed married for decades, as though that automatically means they understood marriage better than women today.

And maybe some did.

But we have to call a spade a spade.

Some women in earlier generations stayed because they genuinely loved their husbands and built beautiful lives together. Others stayed because leaving was financially, socially, or legally much harder.

Think about a woman raising five children, with limited income, limited education, and a husband who controlled the household finances. Where exactly was she supposed to go?

We cannot overlook the economic realities, social expectations, and limited opportunities many women faced.

Longevity doesn’t always mean happiness, and staying doesn’t always mean a relationship was healthy.

I’m grateful that women today have more choices. We can pursue education, build careers, earn our own money, own property, or choose to stay home and raise our children.

And I respect women who choose traditional marriages.

But I also respect women who don’t.

Personally, I’m not entirely traditional. There are traditional things I appreciate, but I also value my independence, education, and ability to contribute financially.

I’m a hustler. That’s just who I am. 😂

I would love to work from home and have the flexibility to manage my household while continuing to build something of my own.

To me, neither arrangement is automatically better.

A healthy partnership should be built around what works for the two people involved, not what society insists their roles should be.

Chemistry Is Not Compatibility

Now, this is where I think we need to have a deeper conversation.

Some of us are choosing relationships based on chemistry without ever asking whether we’re compatible.

Chemistry is that attraction. The butterflies. The excitement. The physical connection. That feeling you get when someone walks into a room.

And listen, I love all of that too.

But chemistry alone cannot sustain a marriage.

Compatibility is about whether your personalities, values, habits, communication styles, and approaches to life can work together.

Alignment is about whether you’re moving in a direction that enables you to build the future you both want.

You can have amazing chemistry with somebody and still be completely misaligned.

You might want marriage while they don’t. You might want financial stability while they believe in living for today. You might value communication while they avoid difficult conversations.

Love doesn’t automatically resolve those differences.

And just because someone is a good person doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you.

I’m currently in a loving relationship with someone who feeds my soul. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But I’m learning that perfection isn’t what I’m searching for.

I’m searching for understanding, compatibility, emotional connection, and someone willing to grow alongside me.

I don’t want to wait ten years to discover that we’ve been moving in two completely different directions.

Do You Know Your Standards, or Just Your Preferences?

Here’s another thing I’ve been thinking about.

We talk so much about having standards, but do we actually understand the difference between standards and preferences?

A preference might be wanting someone tall, financially established, outgoing, or interested in the same hobbies.

A standard might be requiring honesty, respect, emotional maturity, faithfulness, or consistent communication.

Preferences describe what we like. Standards help define what we’re willing to accept.

And some of these things can evolve as we grow.

Something I might have considered unacceptable at 25 may look different at 40 because I understand the circumstances better. That doesn’t mean I’m lowering my standards. Sometimes it means I’m developing discernment.

But there are also things I’ve learned I cannot compromise on.

That’s why getting to know yourself is so important.

How can you identify what you need from a partner if you haven’t taken the time to understand your own needs?

And how can you expect someone to respect boundaries you haven’t even established?

Intimacy, Dating, and Taking Your Time

I’ve also thought a lot about physical intimacy and how quickly we move into relationships.

At one point, I decided I wanted to wait six months before becoming sexually intimate with someone I was dating.

Not because I believe sex is wrong. Not because I think waiting guarantees a successful relationship.

But because I wanted an opportunity to understand the person beyond physical attraction.

I wanted to observe how he communicates. How he responds to disagreements. How he treats people. Whether his words and actions match.

And even six months won’t tell you everything about somebody. People are complicated.

A male friend once shared a perspective with me that helped me think differently about taking time before intimacy.

Which brings me to another point: I don’t believe every friendship between a man and a woman is automatically inappropriate.

I’ve learned valuable lessons from men who were simply friends. Conversations with people who see life differently can teach us things we might never have considered.

Of course, healthy boundaries matter, particularly when you’re in a committed relationship.

But I don’t believe meaningful friendships should automatically be dismissed because two people are of the opposite sex.

Back to intimacy.

I’ve heard people say they slept together on the first date and ended up happily married.

Wonderful!

That’s their story.

Maybe waiting six months works for me, while waiting six hours works for somebody else.

Neither timeline guarantees compatibility. What matters is mutual intentions, respect, and making choices that align with your values.

The same goes for dating multiple people before entering an exclusive relationship. If everyone involved understands the arrangement and agrees to it, that’s their choice.

Others prefer dating one person at a time.

And that’s okay too.

We need to stop treating our personal preferences as universal rules.

Men Have Experiences Too

Something else I want to address is the constant battle between men and women, particularly on social media.

Every day, somebody is posting about how women are this or men are that.

And I’ll admit, there have been moments in my own life when I’ve contributed to those conversations.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more conscious of what I’m putting into the world.

Because words influence people.

We have to be careful not to turn our personal disappointments into universal statements about an entire gender.

Some women have been hurt deeply by men.

And some men have been hurt deeply by women.

Pain is not exclusive to one gender. Neither is dishonesty, manipulation, disloyalty, or emotional immaturity.

Some good men have survived unhealthy relationships, just as some good women have.

If we constantly tell one another that men can’t be trusted or women aren’t worth loving, how are we supposed to create healthy relationships?

We become so defensive that we stop recognizing the people who genuinely have good intentions.

I’m not saying we should ignore red flags or abandon our boundaries.

I’m saying we should learn to distinguish someone’s individual behavior from an entire gender.

And those of us who share our opinions publicly, myself included, have a responsibility to consider the narratives we reinforce.

When the Beauty Fades, What Remains?

I’ve said before that I would love a marriage where my partner gives me roughly 80% of what I’m looking for.

Not because love should be calculated mathematically, but because I understand that no human being will meet every expectation perfectly.

There will be things we disagree about, habits that annoy us, and seasons when one person needs more support than the other.

What matters is whether the foundation is strong enough to sustain those moments.

Because one day, my body is going to change.

My breasts might sag. My booty might not sit where it used to. 😂

And yes, there will always be somebody younger, somebody attractive, somebody who seems exciting or new.

But I want a husband who looks at me and knows that what we’ve built together is worth protecting.

Not because another attractive woman doesn’t exist.

But because he values our connection, our compatibility, our commitment, and the life we’ve intentionally created.

And I want to give him that same security as he ages and changes.

I don’t want a relationship that survives only because we’re physically attracted to each other. I want one that continues to grow because we genuinely like, respect, and choose each other.

Maybe the Real Work Begins With Us

I started this reflection wanting to talk about marriage and how society views single and divorced women.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that all these subjects are connected.

Marriage. Divorce. Singleness. Compatibility. Intimacy. Standards. Preferences. Self-awareness.

They all come back to understanding ourselves and what we’re trying to build.

I don’t believe being single is a curse.

I don’t believe being married is an accomplishment that automatically places you above anyone else.

And I don’t believe divorce makes someone damaged or unworthy of another chance at love.

We’re all living with the consequences of the choices we’ve made, the circumstances we’ve experienced, and the lessons we’ve learned.

Some of us are still figuring things out.

I certainly am.

And maybe that’s what this stage of life is teaching me.

I don’t need a perfect partner. I need a compatible one.

Someone who understands that love is more than chemistry, marriage is more than a title, and commitment is more than simply remaining together.

I want a relationship where two people can grow without losing themselves.

And whether you’re married, divorced, single, dating, or somewhere in between, I hope you’re building a life that genuinely aligns with who you are.

Because at the end of the day, your relationship status does not determine your worth.

And sometimes, the most important relationship you’ll ever work on is the one you have with yourself.

— Between Moon and Water